Its been a long time since i sat down and thought about life. i usually think about life after a huge busy spell, all of a sudden life feels empty, void of any sort of meaning, and the quest begins. By now its quite clear that one possibly thinks about life only when there is nothing else to do, its the mind’s defensive mechanism i guess, trying to fill meaning into the void, because there is nothing tangible to fill life with, i enter into these spells of soul searching.
I wonder if i’m depressed, i asked a friend if he’s ever been depressed, he said, “hasn’t everyone?” if if it happens to all of us then i guess its not so odd, its nothing to get worried about. he also said it was like asking someone if they’ve been happy… if its that inevitable to be depressed, why is it such a dreaded thing? The only reason to fight depression is probably because one is more productive when they are happy, but in retrospect, the moments i cherished the most have been moments of sadness, wonder how much that is to do with my borderline masochism, but more often than not, i feel like those are the moments i’ve truly lived, i gotten in touch with myself, thought about life.
That makes me feel strange; i speak of “i” getting in touch with “myself” as if the two were different people. If they are one and the same what is there to get in touch with? Who is this mysterious person that i need to get in touch with once in a while to feel alive? Yes, theoretically speaking, id, ego, super ego works, but purely as a concept. Its hard to internalise what you have no proof of. and yet, everything that i strongly believe in is abstract, maybe its the need to understand this abstract that slips me into the wilderness of the soul. As much as i want to believe that we’re intelligent beings who’s psychological mechanisms cannot be explained beyond some theories and concepts, what i actually believe in is quite the contrary, all these complexities i’ve invented for myself, to fill the void i was born with, my entire life i’m gonna spend trying to fill this void. When i say i believe in the contrary, what do i mean? What is the contrary? Literally speaking its the opposite of what i don’t believe in, but then again is it as simple as that? One moment i say its simple, and immediately i question it…
Sitting beside my French window, i’m staring into the sky. Its dark and cloudy, the moon is visible sometimes and then it hides. Actually, it doesn’t hide, it is where it is, (not astronomically off course), the clouds are moving around so quick hiding and revealing the moon. Its drizzling, the air smells fresh and clean, i can hear my neighbours’ television, and distant sounds of police vehicles on the road. But the sky mutes everything else, if there was something like out of focus for sounds, this would be it, ‘there’ but not ‘there’.
… Staring into it as though its the eyes of a loved one i suddenly see a lil twinkle of light in the distance, it can’t be a star, its too big and way too bright to be a star. Its like a little ball of fire. I’m excited, i think its a planet, venus or mars or something. Wanna call people and ask them to look through their windows if they can see the planet. I’m imagining how i would feel if the news papers tomorrow has it in its headlines, “new planet discovered” ,I look with utmost concentration to see if i can see clearer? Any signs of life? maybe if i concentrate harder my eyes will turn into a telescope,i stare and stare and stare, through every grill, i move around to see if through any 2 particular grills the view is different, i turn away for a minute and look back and it has changed positions, oh god!!! This planet must be strange, maybe its trying to make revolutions around the earth instead of the sun. Maybe it feels the heat of the earth is a lot cooler. and then it moves again, in front of my eyes, it jumps into a cloud and comes out flashing, flashes around a bit and then disappears, i feel sad, its probably not gonna make it to the headlines, a planet that existed for 5 minutes earth time, my time. And then i don’t feel so sad, i feel thankful, it filled in 5 minutes of my empty life with hope and happiness. Next time anyone feels sad and wants to do some soul searching, i suggest you try to search the skies instead. You never know, maybe yours might make it to the papers.
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