The worst kind of disappointment one can have is when it comes as a shock, in the least expected form, on the least expected day. its like believing you did the exam well until the moment you receive your test papers to realise you’ve failed it. its worse than not studying at all… i’m not saying its better not to study, i’m only saying it feels worse when you’ve not prepared yourself for the disappointment.
When you’re free and bored at home with nothing to do, you don’t mind an unexpected guest now, do you? its only when you’re having a fucking wedding at home and you have to deal with all that shit and then this unexpected guest pops in to say hello…. makes you wanna tear your self up into pieces and distribute it to everyone who comes to you asking for something.
yes… i still do not have the courage to blog specifically, i can only generalise. but atleast it serves as a vent. i realised i cry a lot less these days, i dunno if its to do with sudden and quick aging or lack of stimuli. whichever it is, i guess its a better way to go about things. sometimes you have to hold back those tears, hold on to what hurts you, so that its with you all the time, guarding you against the same hurt the second time.
sometimes its just better not to get over relationships, its better not to know where you’re going, its better to see only how much you need to and its always always better not to know what you’re gonna do the next moment. yes… i wanna plan… but i don’t wanna feel obliged to follow it, because i don’t have to.not for you, not for anyone who has better plans… not for anyone who is anything…. not even for me…
i’m becoming more random these days, less cohesive. able to think. no feelings really. Stoned (no… without intoxicant) and numb… how can i expect any feelings to remain when i reach out for the keyboard everytime i feel something… pain… happiness… pain mostly… i contradict myself more often than i can ever contradict any of you. it might make some people uncomfortable… yet i think i’m quite predictable. broad smile with all teeth showing… but its still quite dull… small dreamy distant eyes… and yet i can’t hide the way i feel…
yes… i want to admit this time… i’m sad… at this moment… i’m sad… things have made me sad… i’m affected… i feel quite weak… i’m not superwoman… i’m more boring than an average boring person… i wanna cry… let go… but i just can’t… this city has frozen my tears… yet i feel quite passionately in love… with every moment…
simply coz love is the only choice i give myself…
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Just a matter of time before you would look back and smile.
yes… i guess that’s why i’m obsessed with making sure i have things to look back and smile about…
woah…this made me feel loads better
thankyou.